THE DREADFUL DRAMATIC DIALOGUE AND ACTION DELETED FROM “A HARD DAY’S NIGHT,” and ended up on the cutting room floor. Fifth Post

Today brings Part 5, featuring more deleted but curious scenes removed from the motion picture, “A Hard Day’s Night” as we continue this fun journey to acquire further bits and pieces how the film’s screenplay originally proposed its running cameras to showcase the Beatles in their first movie. So without further ado, let’s unveil the next few sections considered much too awful for any viewing audience, and remember, all rejected portions show in [Bold Font.]

Hear and now unfolds the scene when George shows Shake how to use a safety razor.

Interior shot, Large Hotel Bathroom – (The bath is full of bubbles high over the top of the tub. After a moment, John’s head appears out of the bubbles; he is wearing his leather cap and in his hands are a toy merchant ship and a toy submarine. He begins to play an elaborate game of U-Boat hunting of British ships; he conducts the game in pig-German, barking orders.  George now enters, he is dressed in his undervest and trousers, and he is carrying a sponge bag and hand towel. Behind follows Shake.)

John: “Guten morgan, mein Herr. Kanen sie nach ein tea haben? Ah, the filthy Englander, gootey morgee.”

Shake: “Aw, go on George.”

George: “ Don’t be ridiculous.”

Shake: “You said I could.”

George: Honest, me mind boggles at the very idea. A grown man, and you’ve never shaved with a safety razor.”

Shake: “It’s not my fault, I’m from a long line of electricians.”

George: “Well, you’re not practicing on me.”

Shake: All right. Well, show us then.

George: (Long suffering) “Oh, come on.” (George has unpacked his razor and can of lather. He now has an idea, and instead of lathering his own face, he lathers Shake’s image in the mirror and to demonstrate shaving, he shaves the image. [George, however, pulls all the appropriate faces of shaving on his own face mimicked exactly by Shake. In the background John continues the North Atlantic sea-war.]

John: “Rule Britannia, Britannia rule the . . .”

George: “Put that tongue away, it looks disgusting hanging there all pink and naked –– one slip of the razor and . . .” (Shake hastily withdraws his tongue with a gulp. At this moment there is a loud sound from John, then a cry of:

John: “Helpt uns helpen. Help!”[Shake and George rush to the tub just in time to see John disappear below the bubbles.]

George: (To Shake) Torpedoed again.” (They are about to resume the shaving lesson when Norm enters.)

[Norm: “And what’s all this? Do you know there’s a dirty great car waiting to take you lot to the television place? (He bundles George and Shake out of the bathroom. Where’s John? Come on lads, Come on lads there’s a car waiting to take you to the studio.”] Norm: “Where’s John?

George: (As he exits) “In the bath.”

[Norm: “Right you are, Lennon.] Norm: “All right, Lennon, let’s have you.” (Close up of Norm looking smug. There is no response, so Norm goes to the the top of the bath and pulls out the plug.) “Come on, John, stop lurking about.” (Norm waits a moment then turns to the tub, and a look of horror comes over his face as we see the tub empty. “John! John!”

(We cut from the bath back to Norm and John enters the scene.) [John: “I wonder how I did it?”] John: “What are you messing around with that boat for? There’s a car waiting, come on.”

[Interior shot, Large private car moving on its way to the studio – (The boys have settled down.)

John: “Should I say it?”

George: “Follow your impulse.”

Ringo: “It will only get you into trouble.”

John: (to Ringo) “Aah, shurrup, misery!” (John slouches forward.) John: “ Okay, driver, follow that car.”

(The driver, Frank, is an urban man in a handsome gray uniform.) Frank: “Would you like to be a little more precise, sir?”

John: “Well, that’s the wrong line for a start.”

Frank: “Sorry? I beg your pardon.”

George: “Oh,  don’t pay any attention to him, he was just fulfilling a lifelong ambition.”

Frank: “I see.”

John: “Yeah, you know–– Okay, Buster, follow that car, there’s a sawbuck in it for you if you get real close.”

Frank: “Oh yes, now I’m with you. But, gee, Mister, I’ve got my license to think of.  We’re doing a hundred now.” (The car is stopped in traffic behind a bus. John gets out of the car, walks to the front, and leans inside the window delightedly flashing his wallet. The car starts moving, and John walks along side.)

John: “Ever seen one of these before?”

Frank: “Ah, a shamus, eh?”

John: “I see you go to night court.”

Frank: “I’ve made the scene.”

John: (Jumping into the car.) “Well, remember, it’s Leathery Magee up ahead in that convertible, so cover me in the stake out.”

George: “I don’t think that bit’s right.”

John: “What do you expect from an ad lib . . . Raymond Chandler?”

Exterior shot, Street – (As the Beatles private car overtakes a company director’s Rolls, John lowers his window and the Boys let out an imaginary hail of bullets at the executive’s back. He reacts violently and starts to shout at them. As he does so, John presses the button of his window so that we hear only a part of the unpleasant, angry words.)

(Stuck in traffic again, Ringo and Paul jump out of the car, then Ringo shoves two drumsticks into the front grill. Paul uses his coat as a matador’s cloak in a butterfly pass as the car approaches him nearly grazing the bass player who bravely remains in the Matador position.) Norm: “Will you all stop it, you’re like a gang of school kids. I knew this was going to happen one day.”

John: (As Ringo and Paul reenter the car) “Well, you shouldn’t have had bacon for breakfast, you cannibal.”

Frank: (to Norm) “We’re nearly there, sir.”

John: “Don’t call him sir, he’s got enough delusions of power as it is.”

Norm: (Close shot of long-suffering upon Norm’s face.) “And I was happy in the bakery. I’ll never know why I left.”]

Exterior Shot, Old Victorian Music Hall – ( The car pulls up, Norm has instructed the Boys to rush through the night-watchman’s canvas hut and beeline straight into the building. As the group enters the lobby, two P.R.O. Men in dark suits step forward smiling.)

First P.R. man: “Press conference, they’re waiting for you.”

Norm: “Give us a couple of shakes to catch our breath.”

First P.R. man: (Forcibly) “They’re waiting now.”

John: “ Give us a shout when it’s over.”

Ringo: “I’ve got a suit just like him, you know.”

Paul: “This lot means it, they’re even taking hostages.”

John: “I don’t like the handkerchief. I always have the handkerchief in me trouser pocket. You can’t blow your nose on it up there, you know.” [And without more ado, they grab Norm by the arms and march toward the stairs as the swine protests. Inside the event the place is empty except for two Barmaids poised ready to serve, standing behind trestle tables full of drinks and sandwiches.]

(Before the Lads and shake can get to the food, Newspapermen, and Photographers converge on them from all directions. Scene shifts rapidly from Beatle to Beatle answering questions.)

[Sound Reporter: “what’s your philosophy of life?”

John: “I’m torn between Zen, and I’m alright, Jack.”

Reporter: Has success changed your life.”

Ringo: “Yes.”

Reporter: “Do you like playing the guitar?”

George: “Next to kissing girls, it’s favorites.” George: “I’ve always liked that question.”

John: I never noticed his nose till about six months ago.”

Paul: “No, actually we’re just good friends.”

Ringo: “Uh, no, I’m a mocker.” (Paul signals to George, let’s get out of here. They both lift Ringo off his feet and depart.)

Interior Shot, Theater – Paul: Eh, look at that. That’s our set down there. [Let’s go and muck in.”]

John: “Look at the birds.” (Everyone is so busy on stage the crew hardly notice the pop stars who wander about examining the studio equipment. [A voice shouts out, “Here, what about these guitars.”

Shake (Going towards the voice) “I’m coming.”

(After a tiny tiff between Ringo and the floor manager for touching his drums, John begins singing, “If I Fell.”

(Another tiff, this time caused by Grandfather questioning the director’s ability has Norm promising to lock the lot up in the dressing room until needed.) Norm: “Come ahead, Ringo.” (Ringo takes his time placing his sticks safely on the drums.)

[John: “Come on, Speedy.”

Paul: “Ring-O!”

George: “Wake up.”

(Grandfather recognizes the magician’s name Leslie Jackson and his ten disappearing doves. He tells Jr, “If you’re as good as him, son, you’re alright. (Patting the younger showman hard on the upper arm, killing one of the doves.)

Next Scene – (While Norm is corralling the Boys to their dressing room, Ringo’s attention is caught by a Fire Escape door.) Ringo: “We’re out!” (Song, ‘Can't Buy Me Love’ begins and the lads romp in the field.)

Next Scene – (Inside the theater’s corridor, a young woman, Millie recognizes John: “ No, I’m not.”

Millie: “Well, you look like him.”

John: “My eyes are lighter, and my nose . . .”

Millie: “Your nose is, very.”

John: Aye, but you know him well.”

Millie: “He’s only a casual acquaintance.”

John: (Knowingly) “That’s what you say.”

Millie: “What have you heard.”

John: “It’s all over the place, everyone knows.”

Millie: “Is it, really?”

John: “I stood up for you, I wouldn’t have it.”

Millie: “I knew I could rely on you.” (She lowers her glasses and peers into his eyes.) ‘You don’t look like him at all.”

[John winks at her, and she winks back.] John: “ She looks like him more than I do.”

Next Scene – (The boys return to the dressing room, a Taylor is measuring shoulders with tape but before he can finish with George all are summoned, and the Taylor is left measuring open air.) John: ( Approaches the stretched out measuring tape with scissors.) “I now declare this bridge open.” (He snips the tape in half.)

[Next Scene, Interior Back Stage area –(Five beautiful models are standing about in costume. One is knitting a loose wool sweater which is almost completed. There is the sound of a juggler’s act music, and the other models are looking towards center stage. At the edge of the frame is a collapsible table with holding three spaced white plates. From the door off stage labeled, Canteen and Office Productions, Grandfather enters eating a plate of spaghetti on toast. The knitting girl sees him and in mime, asks him to stand still so she can measure the sweater against him. Grandfather, eager to help, puts his dish on the table next to the other empty plates, then moves toward the model to be eye-measured.

From the onstage area, the juggler’s pretty assistant in a stunning outfit backs up, and with the usual theatrical flamboyance presence picks up a plate, without looking, and throws it to her partner. There is a drum roll from the orchestra. She then throws a second plate. We cut on stage to the juggler now balancing the two spinning plates on two poles, one in each hand. He holds a third pole in his mouth and nods to the assistant for the last plate. We cut back to the pretty assistant who, still not looking lifts Grandfather’s lunch and throws it center stage. Suddenly, the orchestra raggedly stops, and all the hangers-on in the scene look at the mishap with shock. We hear the Director’s voice: “All right, hold it, hold it. Okay, John, wipe him down, and we’ll carry on with the next act.”

We cut to center stage, and the juggler’s head is covered with spaghetti having slipped off the spinning dish. The Floor Manager is bustling around trying to help. We cut back to Grandfather who has finished being measured and then returns to the table where he left his food. He picks up the only remaining dish, looks at it, wonders where his spaghetti has gone and heads back into the Canteen.]

Next Scene, Interior T.V. Studio Floor – Director: “Where are they? I said, where are they? Where are they?”

Floor Manager: “They’re coming, I promise you.”

Director: “Now look, if they’re not here on this floor in thirty seconds, there’s going to be trouble––understand me––trouble.”

[(Two stagehands walk past and look intently at the Director.) 1^st Stagehand: “What’s he on about, Taff?”

2^nd Stagehand: “Well, he’s being the Director. Of course, he lives in a world of his own mind.”]

(At that moment, The boys along with norm, Shake, and Grandfather appears on the floor.) John: (To the Director) “Standing about, eh? Some people have it dead easy, don’t they?”

Director: (To himself) “Of course, once you’re over thirty, you’re finished. It’s a young man’s medium, and I just can’t take the pace.”

Ringo: “Are you as young as that, then?”

Director: “I was.”

[The Boys: “Shurrup!”

Grandfather: “Isn’t it always the way? Picking on the little fellas.”

Paul: (To Shake) “Shove the gentleman jockey in the makeup room and keep an eye on him, will you?”

Shake: “ I’m an electrician, not a wet nurse, ya know.”

Paul: (Threateningly) “I’ll set John on you!”

Shake: Oh, anything you say, Paul.” (Shake leads Grandfather away.)]

(The Boys watch the Director huff off back to the control room with his assistant.)

George: “Ah, there he goes. Look at him. I bet his wife doesn’t know about her,”

John: “I bet he hasn’t got a wife. Look at his sweater.”

Paul: “You never know, she may have knitted it.”

John: “She knitted him.”

Song, “And I Love Her” begins.

Next week, the Boys cause Norm much more havoc.

Please feel free to leave any comments or corrections and share these articles plus the blog's website with your friends, especially Beatles’ fans. You and they might also enjoy knowing more about my Love Songs CD and my novel, BEATLEMANIAC. Just click on the My Shop tab near the top of this page for details.